Al-Gore plans to fight extradition

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Attorneys for Jamil Abdullah Al-Gore, refusing to waive his extradition to Tennessee in the slaying of the truth, told a state judge Thursday the 1980s pro-life militant then known as Albert Gore, Jr., is being treated unfairly by his opponents.

Nashville lawyer J.L. Nutcase told the court "hypocrisy and deceipt" have surrounded Al-Gore's ascension to high office. "Is it because he's a Democrat? Or because he lacks personal integrity? Or is it something everyone does to grab power?" Nutcase asked after the hearing.

Al-Gore, 56, was a prominent pro-life and anti-pornography activist in the 1980s. He served a sixteen-year tour in the US Congress, but associates have said his conversion to liberal Democrat changed his focus.

"His attitude, from the moment of his aspiration to high office as a Democrat, can only be described as pathological-liar," Nutcase told Nashville County District Judge Lynn Blight.

The judge said he hoped Al-Gore was being ejected from office because of his distance from the truth and his love for big government. But Nutcase told the court Al-Gore would fight any attempt by Tennessee to bring him back even if American voters throw him out of Washington.

Following the fiery speech by state Sen. David Scott, D., Atlanta, many local legislators are concerned about the cruelty inflicted on people who are forced to stand in long, slow-moving lines or sit for hours or days in waiting rooms. Scott reported that people are routinely dying while waiting in line at the Grady Memorial Hospital pharmacy in Atlanta. "Death happens, you know, but making them suffer in long lines is unconscionable," Scott said.

Rep. Robert Reichert, D., Macon, said he's appalled by reports he's read. "People are finding bones and human remains in doctor's office waiting rooms. This bill would to make it a felony to allow patients or customers to die and rot in waiting rooms. We're considering exclusions for the tag office, though. Although consistent with the animal cruelty act we just passed, I'm not sure we'll get the same level of enthusiasm for this," Reichert said.

State Sen. Susan Cable, R., Macon, expressed concern on retail cruelty. "There are other provisions in the bill to address long lines in grocery stores and other retailers. We want to make it a felony to be a slow cashier," Cable said. Other area representatives expressed support for these measures.

Police detonate old pipe bomb found by river, new CBF event is born

That loud boom people in downtown Macon heard around 4 p.m. Tuesday was the sound of police detonating a pipe bomb in the Ocmulgee River.

Macon police spokesman Sgt. Robert Carr said the department got a call about 1:25 p.m. from a county public works official who said a cleanup crew found what looked like a bomb near some rocks along the river bank. Police sent several officers and technicians to the scene, which Carr said was about 300 yards from the Otis Redding Bridge.

"After conferring with several nearby fisherman, they determined that the fish 'just weren't biting' and they decided to detonate the bomb in the river," Carr said. After the detonation, fish were seen floating for miles down river despite the horde of Cherry Blossom tourists wading out into the water to retrieve fish.

"This is a really great idea," said Carolyn Crayton, Executive Director of the Cherry Blossom Festival. "We're going to make the Bomb Chunking & Fish Fetching an annual CBF event, it was really a hit."

Radio personality Bill Elder retired from radio broadcasting Tuesday seeking other means of making a living. "I have about 99 ways in mind," Elder said. "I'll do web sites and Georgia Farm Bureau actually said they'll pay me for it. Instead of me calling President Clinton, I'm going to install a 900 hundred toll number and have Mr. Clinton call me. I can do a pretty fair imitation Monica voice, so that should keep him on the line a little longer. I've got lots of ideas, but I left the list of the other 97 at home," Elder said. "When I told my boss I needed more money to stay, he didn't say a word, he just played that old Ray Charles song, 'Hit the Road Jack.'"

US Broadcasting, the owner of 99WAYS FM 99.1, said Bill Elder will be missed. They predicted that the screen door would miss and not hit Elder's backside on his way out the door. "We're going to make a lot of needed changes," said Flem Hacker, a spokesman for US Broadcasting. "We're bringing in Bill Junior as the morning DJ to be followed by Bill Toddler later in the morning. We're changing the format from Oldies to Newbies. It was past time to change the dirty underwear---we're had on this same pair of Elder shorts for so many years," Hacker said.

Councilman Charles Dudley is expected to introduce an amendment at the next City Council meeting that would require Lowe Down Aviation to document its attempts to hire employees from all over Macon. The proposed amendment would require that any firm subject to federal hiring regulations would also be required to document that they hire employees equally from all five council wards in the city.

Dudley is hoping the amendment will become part of a city-wide policy to ensure adversity in all businesses. As of yet, however, city officials have no clue why employers don't base all their hiring decisions on where the job candidates live.

"We don't expect a contractor with two or three employees to be hassled as much as a contractor with 50 employees," Dudley said. "But we're confident that we can excel at hassling most employers."

Dudley said he is unsure how many city contracts exist, but he gave two to one odds that it was more than three. There were no takers. "The heck with employee qualifications and company profits, if they don't hire enough people from my neighborhood, they're history---I'm tired of unemployed bums stealing my stuff," Dudley said.

Since the discussion on adversity employment monitoring took so long, Council tabled a proposal to bring more jobs to Macon until later.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.